As someone who reads gossip blogs both for my duties as a blogger and also because I gotta little “aint sh!t” in me, I’ve seen some ridiculous stories during my browsing. Some have been totally fabricated by mean spirited writers and fake ‘tipsters’ looking for ad dollars, while others were examples of the fact that truth can occasionally be stranger than fiction. However, the suggestion that Beyonce is not actually pregnant, but just faking it because ________ (insert absurd theory here) has got to take the cake.

A number of blogs — and I’m not shouting any of them out– have gone to town with the theory that Jay-Z’s future baby mama has been running around wearing a prosthetic bump; some say she’s incapable of carrying her own child to term (WITHOUT ONE SINGLE DAMN SOURCE TO COSIGN THIS) and is actually preparing to bring home a child from a surrogate, while others just seem to think that she’s wearing padding to make her belly look more dramatic. Le sigh.

The first theory is really wild. However, let’s just say it’s true. If this family’s inability to carry a child the traditional way led them to put on this grand charade, it would probably be due to the fact that the gossips and the fans expend way too much energy prying into their lives. To which, I’d say just give them some privacy and let them welcome their child in peace, no matter how that comes into fruition. But, um, I think that’s about the craziest sh!t I’ve heard in a really long time, especially considering the pregnancy realness I’m getting from this picture right here:

Gah. I feel ridiculous for even having to write this piece. I hate blogs. You know how rappers get all “I hate Rap, I’m just gonna listen to Jazz and I’m so over it all” and we’re like “Um, but without Rap what exactly do you have?” That’s how I feel about blogs right now. And I can bake good too, so I DO have somewhere else to turn as I turn my back on the internets. Hmph.

As far as the ever changing size of Bey’s baby belly, as a person who is NOT pregnant, I have no less than three dress sizes in my current wardrobe rotation as we speak. Looking at pics of myself, I see major variations in appearance depending on what I have on, the ineptitude or talent of the photog (sorry, but not everyone is fit to shoot me), what time of the month it is. My water weight gain during my period is surely akin to carrying a little baby of my own every three and a half weeks. Soooo…I don’t find it odd that a pregnant woman could also fluctuate in size from picture to picture.

The ‘Sarah Palin ain’t really Trig’s mama’ theory was much more compelling, IMO. And considering that she (sadly) does wield some political influence (over the nation’s lowest common denominators), the idea that she would lie about such a thing is far more damning than what a Pop singer might be doing in her personal life.

Maybe the odd looking shape in that video came from some sort of bulletproof bump protector. I’m convinced that there are more than a handful of Stans who would risk life and limb to get their hands on the placenta of their beloved King B. Whatever. Let’s just let the woman and her husband and her baby live. I’m sure the stress of a million eyes on your womb is a bit more than a preggo lady should want to deal with. Fame is obviously a mixed blessing and the many up sides likely make it all worth it for Beyonce. I’m not hardly throwing her a pity party. I just think it’s creepy and downright mean to concentrate so much energy into attacking someone for being pregnant in the public eye.

I’ve written criticism of artists and public figures that I don’t care for; Beyonce actually was the subject of a few of those pieces about 4-5 years ago, as my appreciation for her is still rather young. However, it’s one thing to say “I don’t like his songs” or “She can’t act;” it’s another to devote countless hours to bashing a complete stranger on the internet and the obsessive hatred that this woman seems to command from certain folks is frightening. While it’s far from me to ever tell someone that they can’t enjoy discussing and debating popular culture, I’d still ask that this level of impassioned contempt be reserved for someone who has somehow infringed upon your rights, harmed your family or impacted your ability live a fruitful life.

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