Last year I had the pleasure of visiting a good girlfriend who recently relocated to Atlanta after earning her degree in Engineering. At twenty-three years old, she had a cushy government job, a newly purchased first home, and she was a semester away from acquiring her Master’s degree. On paper she was beyond impressive, especially because all her accomplishments came before her twenty-fifth birthday. Despite her accomplishments, however, one component that she stressed was lacking was a husband to share it with.

For months she bragged about the city of Atlanta and all its grandness–the men and ripe job opportunities. During a long, stale winter of an unrelenting job search and dealing with a tragic break-up, I was finally suckered into purchasing a plane ticket. Her arguments about why relocating permanently would benefit me were convincing, but I was only eager to check out what Atlanta had to offer that New York City didn’t. With an itinerary under our belt, we hit all the elite nightclubs, eateries and shopping centers, but what I noticed was that her emphasis on landing a husband was palpable whenever we were out.

One night in particular, while at a nightclub, my friend sidled up next to a young Nigerian woman who was seated at a table next to us and engaged her in a full-blown, and candid, conversation on where to meet Nigerian men. And not just any Nigerian men, my girl wanted details on where to meet doctors, lawyers or engineers specifically.

I looked on in shock as the young woman invited my friend to an exclusive event the following week where she would have her pick of the successful litter. They proceeded to exchange phone numbers and promised to keep in contact. After exiting the club, I asked my girl why she wanted a Nigerian husband and she explained that she felt they were more ambitious and tended to earn advanced degrees in fields where the salaries were substantially higher than other men. From what I observed, Atlanta was seemingly full of sexy, eligible, great men without advanced degrees in those fields, but she claimed those weren’t the types who would appreciate the opera.

Her reasoning was understandable, but I felt it was rather superficial. Although education is extremely important, aside from financial stability and social standing, what more would a man’s degrees bring to the table?

In today’s world where entertainers and star athletes are openly targeted by women who plot, stalk and connive their way to becoming trophy wives of celebrities for social and monetary gain, the lines seem to become blurred when career-oriented women go to the same extraordinary lengths to meet professional men to marry.

But is this just how the dating game is played?

So, Clutchettes and gents speak on it! What’s the difference between women who go to extraordinary lengths in seeking entertainers or athletes to marry vs. career-oriented women that do the same when seeking professional men?

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  • Rastaman

    Writer is upset because her GF is doing what she wish she could do: set a goal for her relationship. What she should do is ask her GF what she could do to have a better insight on achieving her goals.

    • Dido, its always the friend left watching the drinks at the table that always have the problem.

  • A career woman is absolutely not a groupie for wanting to find her male equal. Logically having worked your way through college, found a good job, rented or brought a home, why would you as an independent, upwardly mobile woman want to saddle yourself with someone who isn’t on the same pathway as you.

    The reality is black women aren’t cold, steely hearted gold duggers. So many of us ‘settle’ to land a guy, then wind up barefoot and pregnant, with our dreams temporarily at an end.

    For some, their men step up to the plate and man up to their responsibilities. Other men unfortunately, just don’t. At that point, these women’s strength comes into play as they become the sole breadwinners and childcare providers.

    To think for one second that money doesn’t matter and love is all you need, is unrealistic, particularly in these troubled economic times. There is nothing wrong in going after the very best you can, in terms of your relationships to cement your personal and financial security.

    • Tricia

      Okay so because I have a degree and a big job and I fall in love with a security guard…. I’m settling!!! Its this type of thinking that send most of the “upwardly mobile” black men into the white gilr’s arms…. just saying!!!

    • EssDot323

      @ Tricia:

      You’ve missed her point.

      What is wrong with ambitious Black women wanting to have a mate that is equally ambitious? Many professional non-Black women don’t buckle when it comes to pursuing mates that are their equals so why should Black women?

      And you know what else you don’t see? You don’t see non-Black men posing as love gurus writing advice books and going on TV telling the women of their respective communities to settle. They won’t do that because that is simply emasculating.

      You know what non-Black people have told me? They feel that Steve Harvey and the like don’t believe that Black women deserve anything. If they can see that, why can’t we?

      And to suggest professional Black men run to White women because there are professional Black women who don’t want to marry blue-collar men is nonsensical. I mean, think about what you said. Why wouldn’t professional Black men want to meet professional Black women that are checking for them?

    • Ummm yeah Tricia…you would be “settling” IF….and this is a big if.

      If you are interested in things that he would not have in common with you because his finances limits his ability to be involved or participate in such things.

      As stated above, she was interested in the Opera. How many security guards do you know who attend the Opera? Now granted, a security guard might be interested in the opera and might even attend….but not likely and probably not on a regular basis.
      Also, the Opera was just a glimpse of what she may be interested that are along the same lines. These areas of entertainment(that she is already able to afford to do on her own) create barriers for finding others who are not only interested but can also afford to indulge. Think about how many people never like to talk about the fact that they don’t even have same sex friends, sometimes, who are on the same level with them to be able to participate in this type of lifestyle.
      Point is…one’s lifestyle or potential lifestyle is one of the factors that a person has to consider when looking at commonalities.

      To a lesser degree, this does happen with men as well. I had a rough time in my mid 20s finding attractive women who were as “cultured” as the lifestyle my status afforded me(and I didn’t come from money). Though, because of the way we are socialized, it doesn’t really matter if a woman can afford to indulge as long as she has a genuine interest, a man can introduce her to many things because based on traditional roles, men pick up the tab and it is socially acceptable for a man to be the one to introduce new things in this sense.
      When a woman introduces a man to new things, there is nothing wrong with it, but there is something wrong if he can’t afford the new things that she has introduced him to.

      I did learn though, that since a lot of women are also not able to afford certain lifestyles, they may too, be limited in the experience or exposure to such concepts and may even reject the notion of being introduced to it.
      All that to say that when looking for people with common ground, you have to seek out people who can actually afford to do whatever it is you are into.
      It’s all a part of it in addition to all of the other character aspects.

  • Bridget

    Nothing wrong with it; it seems as if the writer’s friend is taking the proactive approach,i.e.,going to elite nightclubs and networking. And I wouldn’t call her a groupie,either;she appears to be an accomplished, ambitious young woman who brings a lot to the table.

  • I don’t find ANYTHING wrong with what the writer’s friend is doing. She is looking for a man to MATCH her!! She’s not taking any chances with seeking anything below what she has and that’s what the old timer’s call being “Evenly yoked”
    Why is it when Black women look to be matched up equally we’re seen as gold diggers & now “professional groupies” Meanwhile white women have been doing this for years & are told to always “marry up.” Please do not insult our intelligence. I don’t see professional men looking to marry women that work as maids or fry cooks. Get outta here with that mess.

    • EssDot323

      Thank you.

      No one ever chastises White and Asian women for marrying at their level or higher. I remember when Steve Harvey was making his rounds with another book and he said it was ridiculous for a (Black) woman making six figures to want a (Black) man to make the same. GTFOH.

      Seems like Black women are encouraged to lower their standards because Black men can’t keep up unlike their White and Asian counterparts.

      And it’s not because Black men aren’t capable. They’re as capable as anyone else. It’s that the Black community has set expectations so low for Black men. You have grown-ass men thinking they’re a prize for not having priors, not having babymommas, and being able to keep a job.

      You’re supposed to be responsible and productive. No one’s a born loser.

  • There a lot of comments reading “good for your friend, she knows what she wants” and while having someone equally ambitious is great, what happens when she finds out he doesn’t want to settle down? What about when she finds out he’s “ready for marriage” but will keep his side chicks too? What happens when her elite male brings her an STD?

    Unfortunately, income and ambition show only a corner of who a person is. In my experience, these accomplished and goal-oriented men have just many issues with… well everything (mommy issues, daddy issues, race issues). They are no less misogynistic, no more guaranteed to stick around when the babies are born and are in no way obligated to TREAT her well because of their degree.

    • EssDot323

      I’d hope that the author’s friend and other women wouldn’t think they struck gold based off of a man’s CV and pay stubs.

      To suggest that an ambitious Black woman consider a man’s overall character, just because she doesn’t pretend that financial stability and education are insignificant, goes without saying.