I’ve never been one for reality television. If given choice between an expertly produced serial drama, a smartly written situation comedy and a reality train wreck, I’m always going to choose one of the former. This is why I can’t figure out how I’ve found myself so engrossed in VH1’s Love and Hip-Hop. The random, annoyingly interjected Jim Jones video aside, the show does a good job portraying the lives of six city women who are not unlike some of the women I know in my personal life (o.k. I don’t really know anyone quite like Somaya, but who does?).

A big part of the show centers around the love lives, or lack of love lives, of these women and the drama that goes along with being semi-famous and in love with someone who is a little more semi-famous. Each week as I’m watching, I always find myself wondering if I could make a long term, serious romantic relationship work with any of these women. Now, obviously, I don’t really know them so it’s impossible to truly pass judgment on them. But after much thought and deliberation, I’ve come to some conclusions about each of the ladies and thought it would be a fun exercise to share.

Let’s start with the least compatible of the bunch:

Kimbella Vanderhee

The biggest loser on this entire show is a guy who hasn’t appeared in a single episode: Juelz Santana. One of the ways guys tend to judge each other is by how the woman the guy choses to be with comports herself. If you judge Juelz by this standard it’s hard to have any respect for him. Before the first episode was over we found out that Kimbella has no concept of “dressing for the occasion,” has no idea of when it’s appropriate to make startling revelations, and she’d had what amounted to a one night stand with Fabolous (Emily’s longtime beaux and child’s father). All of this in the first episode. And I know it’s shallow, but no matter how serious and right she might be in particular situation, she always sounds silly; silly in a way that makes it impossible for you to take her seriously. A relationship with her could never work.

Somaya Reece

The next least compatible person on the show has to be Somaya Reece. Let me say this, there is something respectable about Somaya’s ambition and determination. She’s clearly someone who’s been through a lot and is working hard to make something of herself despite it all. That’s commendable. So while I respect her hustle, there are just way too many red flags to ever attempt to make a serious relationship work with her. In last week’s episode she went on what seemed to be a first date with one of the producers from Midi Mafia. Before their food even arrived she was in tears discussing her life’s trauma. I understand we all go through things, but if the stuff you’ve gone through is so present and unresolved in your mind that you’re breaking down in tears on a first date – we’re probably not gonna work in the long run. Also, as a regular guy, I just don’t think I’d be able to put up with her desire to be a rapper. That sounds terrible, but I can’t see myself dating any sort of rapper – especially an aspiring one.

Olivia Longott

Whenever Oliva accepts the fact that being a superstar is just not in the cards, I’m sure she’ll find success at whatever she does next, and will probably be a nice catch for some lucky guy. But right now, the entitled, ‘woe-is-me’ way she approaches her music career is a major turnoff. Add to that the fact that she’s kinda boring, has a weird style, and doesn’t seem to have much of a life story, and it’s hard to see how I could ever really make it work with her. During last weeks episode where she confided in Yandy the teary-eyed story about how her mom used to write her letters, I found myself wondering what could possibly be going on in her mind … and I couldn’t come up with anything.

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