The other day I was watching Golden Girls (don’t judge me!) and an episode came on where Blanche was being hit on by Dorothy’s new beau. Blanche agonized over whether or not she should tell her friend about her shady man, but finally decides she wants to protect her friend and tells her. What happened next was something that keeps most women from spilling the beans….Dorothy told her off and accused her of being jealous. Then to top it off, when Dorothy asked her man in front of Blanche, he of course lied and said no, further driving a wedge between the two friends. Of course since it was a half hour show by the time the 30 minutes were up the man was history and Dorothy and Blanche were back to being BFFs.

In the real world however things don’t wrap up so neatly. Telling your friend that their man is trying to get with you can prove disastrous. I know ‘grown’ women who have ended up in fist fights and gone to jail over such accusations and even if it doesn’t go that far, if the friend is head over heels the chances of them believing you are slim to none. The result? Unlike Dorothy and Blanche you can end up never being friends again, years of sharing and friendship completely down the drain. But what’s a good friend to do? If you don’t tell you look like you were trying to steal her man, if you do tell you’re the jealous, lonely friend trying to steal her man. See the dilemma? It ends up being a tossup; you either tell and risk your friendship or keep quiet and pray she sees the light eventually.

Would you tell?

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  • Shay

    I’ve been in this situation before, my friend’s boyfriend slipped me his number. So I took the number and gave it to her as I told her what happened. She got mad at me and didn’t speak to me for months! She eventually came around after he’d been caught cheating numerous time. And if I had to do it over again, I would still tell her because I would want someone to have my back if I were in her situation.

  • fuchsia

    I’m a firm believer in, “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

    I wouldn’t tell my friend until after he cheats on her with someone else. If a man is shady enough to hit on the friend of his girl then it’s only a matter of time before he actually cheats on her. I would rather support her by giving the person she chooses to be with the benefit of the doubt, while at the same time using his actions towards me as evidence at a later time to prove his shadiness.

    When she tells me that he cheated, I’ll say, “Oh, he’s a dog. He hit on me when you two first got together, but I didn’t tell you because I didn’t think you would believe it back then.” She’s going to hate the one that publicly humiliates her even if they have good intentions. It’s embarrassing to find out that your man is acting like a complete tool, and I don’t want her to feel embarrassed or feel like she should apologize for him. I would rather he be the one to make her look stupid than me be the one.

    Also, I wouldn’t want to risk losing respect for her after she takes him back and forgives him for what he did. It’s been my experience that girls forgive and move on with their boyfriend but look at their friends with the side eye in that situation. No matter what they preach, chicks before dicks isn’t reality for most women, it’s too personal, and men know that.

    • Rocco

      You make good points Fuchsia. I’m not convinced this is probably the best way to handle the situation, which seems like an awful one to be in. The boyfriend is basically creating stuff you can’t tell your friend (perhaps temporarily), which is obnoxious. Of course, flirting is one thing but I think propositioning is the worst.

      Waiting for your friend to find out about a cheating incident first before mentioning it to your friend is wise advice, because if she comes to you about it then one she believes he’s cheating and two she sounds like she may want to change the relationship because of it. So then the information will be relevant, but telling her before then is kind of putting her on the spot.

      Anyway, good comment.

    • Rocco

      Correction from above:

      *I’m now convinced this is…

  • Rocco

    *I’m now convinced this is…

  • MsZuri

    This is what we want to happen. She believes you, realizes her man is a dog, kicks him to the curb and takes you out for drinks to thank you for being a great friend.


    In real life these are the more common outcomes:

    1. She will not believe you and accuse you of being jealous and/or reading too much into something he did
    2. She may or may not believe you, either way she will cuss him out, break up with him for a few days, and get back together. You will be upset because she is still with him. He will hate you and tell her that you are jealous and you will not feel comfortable around him or her and your friend will watch you and him like a hawk.

    Either way it goes you will not be the one on top. So if you are comfortable taking a L and possibly damaging a friendship, go for it.

    My mama taught me that you cannot tell a woman who is in love ANYTHING about her man and/or relationship. She will ignore you, make excuses, and simply get tired of you “hating” on their relationship.