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You’ve found the partner of your dreams. He or she is nurturing, kind, gorgeous, attentive, financially secure, adventurous, and…um…a freak. At first, you’re excited. You start having a ton of sex in every position imaginable. But then the months pass, you both get comfortable, and perhaps your sex drives fall out of sync. He or she wants some. You don’t. You want some. He or she doesn’t. And you start to fear that perhaps you’re growing apart or worse…he or she is getting some from somewhere else.

Oh nooooo!!!!!

The old saying goes, “if you won’t satisfy your man (or woman), the next chick will.” It’s been ingrained in our minds, tugging at our fears and coercing our bodies into rolling over, spreading our legs, and participating in sex when we really don’t want to. I call this “pity sex,” as I explained in my article last week. But many of you felt that pity was the wrong way to put it. Perhaps, I failed to explain. Pity sex is when you make a decision to have sex with your partner when you really don’t want to because you pity the fact that they’re horny and need some. Instead of simply saying you’re not in the mood, you say okay and count sheep until he or she climaxes.

I find this silly. I’m not knocking those of you who know that with a few strokes you will be in the mood. That’s great, but that article wasn’t for you. It was for the women who really would’ve preferred to simply wait until a different time to make love, but they are scared. They’ve been told that if they don’t bow to their partner’s genital beck and call, they can kiss their monogamous relationship goodbye. Fear has become the shot caller in some of our bedrooms, and simply put, it’s not cute.

One of Clutch’s readers, Au Napptural, broke it down brilliantly, “Sex should be enjoyable, not a chore to please a man. It is completely crazy to say she should be a human pincushion and just take it so her man can get his rocks off…People want to use fear as a motivator- he’ll leave or cheat or something. If he’s that petty and childish to cheat or leave b/c he didn’t get his way on demand, she’s better off. A REAL man talks it out if he has a problem, he doesn’t act out like a petulant kid.”

I don’t allow fear to rule my relationships. I’ve done that in the past on numerous issues, and it ended disastrously. The men that I attract and choose align with my sexual needs, and I meet theirs. It’s rare that we’re out of sync. But even when we are, the last thing that crosses my mind is that my man is going to get some from elsewhere, so I better just bite my lip and give him some. I wouldn’t want him to treat me that way or have him resenting the sex we’re sharing while he’s inside me. It’s not healthy, and will only lead to problems further down the line in our relationship. I don’t make decisions in my sex life in fear of my man cheating.

“If you won’t, the next chick will” is flawed logic. I’ve never seen a healthy relationship operate under that paradigm. There’s nothing sexy about pretending to want something or be someone you’re not. Eventually, you’ll get exhausted, your real self will enter the relationship, and you’ll discover a deeper set of problems.

Do you make decisions in your sex life under the “if you won’t, the next chick will” philosophy? Or do you honor your body’s desires and trust your partner to be faithful regardless? Speak on it.

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  • Leelee

    What I hate about these conversations is that they are all one-sided. First, there are situations where men will turn down sex if they don’t feel like it. (A special game, football,bball etc.) A woman is looked at like she is crazy for even suggesting they get it on at this time. Yet, because he said he wasn’t into it one time, I should go look for it elsewhere? Where does this imply that needs are not being met when I choose to not have sex during certain times(menstrual cycles, and yes some men don’t care about that, a morning when I’ve only had two hours of sleep, at my parents house, etc)? Why does this discount all of the other times I have sex with my man? Truly don’t get it. And those who say that women should always just suck it up, how is it even enjoyable to have sex with a partner who clearly isn’t into it? You can tell yourself to just do it, but that doesn’t mean the mind frame changes. Where is the context?

  • ms_micia

    I weep for somebody in this generation who don’t know GOD. Because dating a man who doesnt have God in his life surely seems to be the pits. Spiritual maturity and just maturity in general debunks the notion of if you don’t someone else will. Guess what if your mate has that mentality then you don’t have him he doesn’t respect you and its honestly time to move on.

    • grateful

      You be careful now, the “we don’t like God because He was introduced to us by the white man ” folk will be in here in just a min to sh*t on you…

    • LADreaming86

      It has nothing to do with religion.

    • jamesfrmphilly

      “we don’t like God because He was introduced to us by the white man”

      you think the white man owns GOD? interesting.

    • OSHH

      Ms_Micia comment has nothing to do with religion but everything to do with folks relationship with GOD.

    • Travis

      “Evenly yoked…” blah, blah, blah, blah blah, blah blah god.