Motor-mouthed on-again, off-again NFL wide receiver Chad Johnson found himself dropped from the Miami Dolphins this weekend after he “allegedly” head-butted his newlywed bride, reality TV star Evelyn Lozada of Vh1’s “Basketball Occasional Sex Partners … I mean ‘Wives’” show.

If you’ve ever braved 15 minutes of the show, you know two things:

  1. These women are all horrible people.
  2. Evelyn and Chad shouldn’t have gotten married.

I don’t find it hard to believe that Johnson (aka “Ochocinco”) crashed his head into Lozada’s head while they argued over a receipt for condoms. Whether or not Johnson was cheating on his wife was a regular topic of discussion on “Basketball Wives,” including one particularly eye-bleedingly bad episode early in season four where a tearful Lozada begged Johnson to just tell her when he was about to cheat. Tired of hearing about it in blogs and in the news, she asked him to (IRONY ALERT!) at least call and let her know that he bought condoms.

But judging that this alleged incident of domestic violence was over a receipt of purchase for condoms, I’m going to assume Johnson didn’t follow through on that promise.

In Johnson’s defense he says he head-butted her … by accident. Normally, this would be greeted with eye-rolls if it weren’t for the fact that during the last seasons of “Basketball Bullies Miami” she launched a glass wine bottle at the head of cast member Kenya Bell. Something that, if it happened in the real world and not on reality TV, would be considered assault in a court of law.

Lozada has also gotten into physical fights with cast membersjumped across a table to get to feuding former friend Jennifer Williams, thrown drinks, thrown plates, thrown plants, thrown vases in which the plants were once inside, threatened to beat a woman (or two) on sight every time she sees them, and so on.

Bell, who was once charged with stabbing her estranged husband, attributed Lozada’s tendency to throw bottles and ask questions later to extreme unhappiness with herself.

From Juicy Magazine:

“I can’t say too much, but we will see. EVELYN obviously has a lot of problems right now. To me, she’s very up and down. One second she’s crying, the next she’s screaming, and then she’s jumping across tables. Obviously there’s something in her life she’s not happy about. For me, to throw a bottle at someone for calling you loose is ridiculous. If that’s the case you’re gonna fight half the world, because I couldn’t have been the only person to say that.”

(Can I just tell you how terrifying it is that Bell is the voice of reason? She stabbed her husband. She made this video. She has a degree in mechanical engineering. It’s fascinating.)

Now this is the point where I remind you that just because someone has the tendency to “pop off” at a bunch of 115-pound women in platform heels doesn’t mean your husband doesn’t head-butt you and leave you fleeing to a neighbor’s house, dialing 911. These things aren’t mutually exclusive and people are not violent in a vacuum. It wouldn’t shock me all that much if a violent woman finds herself in a physically violent relationship with a man.

It’s kind of all she knows, one would assume.

But it does present a sort of “men’s rights advocates”  dream case – a known violent woman who claimed to be abused by a man, but … hey, she might by lying because she’s a known violent woman. But this is why we have the police and the courts. It’ll be their job to figure out what the holy hell just happened here. Not us.

Instead, will sit here and think of all the times we saw this coming. Both on the TV show and with friends and sisters in real life who just kept some horrible relationship going, and no matter what anyone said or did, they were all, “YOU’RE JUST JEALOUS OF OUR LOVE!” And trying to spin lines like, “You’re like the last slice of pizza nobody wanted” into something that sounds less slut-shamey and more endearing.

But really, girl. He called you the “last slice of pizza nobody wanted,” eluding to everyone else already getting a slice, but Old Ochocinco still wants you, baby, because he’s the only one who hasn’t had a slice of that pizza yet.

At least when this happens to our broke friends and relatives, we know they’re doing it for broke people reasons –  like, you’ll show us! Maybe Tyronne will be a good father to his fourth child, even though he barely has crap to do with the previous three. Maybe Leslie will learn to love you “for you” and not keep suggesting that you go to law school and get a better paying job. You’re in love, broke people, dysfunctional, horrible love. Don’t let our “truth” and things like “reality” get in the way.

But the marriage of Johnson and Lozada always had another motivator in the wings – money. Both were established reality stars when they signed a deal with Vh1 to do a show about their engagement and upcoming wedding. At that time, Johnson was unsigned and without a team. (He signed with the Miami Dolphins during the off-season, but the team released him because of this weekend’s shenanigans just as we were working on this story.) But both had the high-profile, high-spending lifestyles of celebrities whose brands were themselves. They needed “Basketball Wives” and the upcoming “Eve & Ocho” show. Heck, they were even featured on the first episode of HBO’s “Hard Knocks: Training Camp with the Miami Dolphins.” Lozada recently was under fire for the money she’d gotten from her bankrupt ex-fiancé Antoine Walker to open her shoes and accessories store Dulce. Johnson was just glad to be in the NFL again after a disappointing season with the New England Patriots.

They need TV.  I suppose fighting in public might be good for ratings, but accusations of domestic violence might not help keep them on that boob tube they so desperately crave.

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