I often wonder if Facebook was built so that women could spy on their man’s ex, or stalk his baby’s mama without being easily detected. Although it can’t be proven, I’m pretty sure that a sizeable amount of Facebook’s current stockholders are also female “stalk-holders” in their man’s current or former affairs. Aside from keeping a comfortable tab on his daily routine, these ladies also love to nose around in his past and do a little “routine check” on what life was like before them. Unfortunately, the prying game and the spying game comes from a hidden issue of women constantly sizing up or comparing themselves to their man’s exes.

Whether it’s an urge that sparks from a simple thought like: “Why does it seem like all of his other girlfriends had bigger breasts then I do?” or “What did he see in her in the first place?” or “She’s really pretty, I wonder if they’re still friends?” or the standard curiosity, “I really want to know what this chick looks like.” These actions are damaging, a sign of insecurity, and chip away at a woman’s ability to be what her boyfriend needs now, versus a potential blue print of what he left behind.

If we’ve learned anything from our late teens and early twenties, when it comes to relationship espionage, it should be that; back then, when we were young, it wasn’t entirely a ratchet affair, rather it was us doing our due diligence to see what woman this amazing man could have left behind, so that we could understand how we fit into his future. Not. Keep telling yourself that.

The only thing to gain from opening up the closed doors in your “boo’s” former life is allowing in a slew of problems that were never there before. Whether you know it or not, now you have a dozen unanswered questions. Essentially you want to know why they broke up, what was she like, what kind of things did she do in the bedroom; you even want to know all her mistakes so that you can do what you need to do so that you can keep from becoming his newest ex-girlfriend.

No matter your motivation, here are a few reasons why it’s never a good idea to compare yourself to his ex.

Where do I rank when it comes to his ex?

You already know the answer to this question. You rank at the top. If you didn’t, she’d be in your place, and you wouldn’t have ever been a thought in the equation. Just looking at his ex, or having one conversation with her isn’t going to give you an idea of where you stand compared to her. Why does it matter? He’s with you. She could have been the most beautiful girl in the world, and maybe you are just a Plain Jane; if a man stayed attached to a woman because of looks alone, Kim Kardashian wouldn’t have such a long track list, and half the single women in the world would be attached and would never have an argument about the lack of dating options.

Maybe I can figure out why their relationship ended.

Trying to decipher why your mates last relationship ended isn’t going to help your current situation, or prevent a conclusion that is supposed to happen. You can’t stop the inevitable. You have to trust that the two of you are meant for one another, and only concern yourself with how to be a complimentary partner, versus how to circumvent a problem that hasn’t even showed its face yet. I get that it’s good to plan for a fire before you’re in a fire, but there’s no need to start it. Put down the matches.

I wonder if she was better in bed than me.

Ever since Ciara sang that song … “He love the way I ride it …” too many women that I know have been practicing bedroom Olympics in the hopes that they can keep their men satisfied and prevent him from leaving home. Whether the last girl could do the splits, while you just like it missionary style, sex is an individual experience. Sometimes emotional attachment and being in love take precedence over how well the last girl performed between the sheets. If he marries you, it’s not because the sex is good, it’s because he can’t breathe without you.

Why was she so special to him?

The heart wants what the heart wants. Sure, his ex at some point and time was special to him, that’s natural and to be expected when you love someone. But at the same time, when you consider the bigger picture, she was only a season. Now he’s spending his current one with you. Don’t ruin your relationship by trying to find out how his ex got him to take her ring shopping, or bake brownies on a Sunday, or take a weekend trip to Martha’s Vineyard. Focus on your gifts, your capabilities and why you’re special inside and out. Focus on the fact that you’re the one he is with and who he apparently wants to be with right now. Everything you’re hoping for, and that feeling of being special will come in due time. Patience.

Always remember Clutchettes and Gents, if your mate closes a door on their past, there should never be a reason for you to open it.

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  • Rosa

    This advice has been the best I’ve heard. Really Spoke to my heart.

  • Heather

    I dunno. My man cheated on his ex wife twice, and the only woman he managed to be faithful to, in HIS FORTIES, was a mouth-breathing Disney fan whose idea of haute cuisine was dining at Epcot. I would never have known how low and nonsensical his standards were if I hadn’t snooped. I’ve now decided I don’t want somebody who fools around twice on a very attractive spouse, for two married morons, and then the only time he can claim monogamy, it’s with somebody who can barely count all her toes and wouldn’t even hold his hand, but even after a breakup, can’t manage to change her profile picture from the one they took together. I needed to know this. So…..invalid. I found it useful. I learned all about HIM in digging around with his exes on FB and the web. Sorry, men’s choices, as they get older especially, reflect ON THEM not the women. And it’s best to know.

  • Camille Bathan

    This really opened my mind! I never thought that being paranoid over his ex is something I should have avoided ever since.
    I was insecure. But it’s also something I’m afraid of since he’s the one who ended it and there’s no denying that the ex could still have feelings for him. (selfish person here. :( )