Everyone hates to be ignored. But no one more than a woman who is in a relationship where her significant other has become hearing impaired. How he lost his ability to hear verbs, nouns, and other sounds women make is not important, but what is important is resolving the underlying issue in the relationship, before he becomes blind too and doesn’t see his way home anymore.

Nagging seems to be the default for any woman who has a bone to pick with her mate, or merely a cup that has runneth over.  Essentially, when a woman feels unconsciously compelled to open her mouth and start reading you your Miranda rights, either you’ve screwed up or there’s an unresolved issue that keeps picking at her.

Understandably, some women believe that they’re doing their relationship a huge service if they assert themselves and speak what’s on their mind –sometimes to a fault, however. They find it a better state of play versus taking other actions to get their points across such as cheating which may be more damaging than the original problem. But if your constantly find yourself hitting a brick wall with your ideas and/or demands, then you run the risk of pushing your mate further away, instead of pulling him closer.

In order to ever come to any conclusion in the nagging game, you need to understand your opponent, the terms of the battle, and what there is to win from going to war in the first place.

Knowing your opponent: Sometimes the reason you can’t break through to your opponent no matter how many times you’ve addressed the issue, is because the crime that you’re holding him accountable for, is honestly a character flaw within him, or something he’s decided should remain a permanent part of his behavior. If he’s been messy his whole life, no matter how many times you tell him to clean up after himself, or have respect enough to wash the dishes after you’ve cooked dinner, or even take the trash out without you having to physically ask him to, you’re still going to find yourself being the broken record over and over again. I can guarantee you that the very first person to nag him about his tidiness was his mother. At the age he is now, I’m certain he’s learned to live with the verbal punishment by being an expert at tuning women out when they start spewing verbs at him.

Knowing the terms of the battle: What’s at stake? In the case of cheating, when a man has created another avenue for himself sexually, emotionally, or mentally, he has likely also created the option to either comply or deny your wishes. If you’re where he wants to be and he is aware he has made a mistake and learned his lesson, then when you’re battling it out, you might stand a good chance of breaking through to him. But if he’s already checked out of the building, and is only physically present, then everything you’re fighting about and fighting for, has a bigger chance of falling on deaf ears, and being a war you can’t win.

Knowing the prize you win: Relationships should never be about winning a battle, but rather maintaining harmony more often than not. No one person is always going to be right, and no one person is always going to be wrong, but when you come across moments or foothills of friction, you need to weigh the situation in your mind and decide if the battle is even worth your time. Do you need to go after him every instance he leaves the toilet seat up or doesn’t separate his clothes before you do the laundry? Is it necessary to harp on him every single time he doesn’t think of you or put your feelings first? Are you up to your ears in complaints about him being too selfish to reciprocate in the bedroom? Or maybe you’re tired of him cheating, and think that nagging him will eventually generate a break through or a difference? I can deal with the toilet seats and the laundry, but what do you stand to win from someone who is a serial cheater, or is too selfish to understand how he’s hurting you in the first place? Make sure the battle you’re hoping to win and the person you’re fighting for is really worthwhile. If not, then the only battle you need to be in, is the one that ends in you maintaining and knowing your self-worth.

A man will hear you if he wants to hear you. A man will change if he wants to change. No matter how many times you badger him about something, he has to first make the decision to be a “better” him — and even before that he has to decide whether or not he thinks your problem is a problem to him in the first place. If he gets it, and cares, he’ll do his best, to rectify his mistakes, but if he’s not making it a priority, then you may want to consider finding someone who you don’t have to nag in the first place.

Lastly, if your nagging ever becomes second nature, then maybe consider the idea that you just might enjoy being a control freak. In that case, expect to be alone, or at least expect to be the continual recipient of issues worth nagging over.

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  • Proverbs 21:19 New International Version (NIV)19 Better to live in a desert
    than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.

    • yolo

      so true

  • It’s always tricky navigating the complexities of human behavior. Let’s just take for granted that all the ratchet-azzed stuff that one person does to another shouldn’t be tolerated for one second. If you’re constantly having to berate someone about things that matter to you, then it’s probably time to get out of the relatonship. A couple things you wrote, Alaina, deserve observation, though.

    You said, “How he lost his ability to hear . . . is not important, but what is important is resolving the underlying issue . . .” It most certainly is important how he lost his ability to hear. If the man entered the relationship without that ear to hear, then you were already on the losing end of a battle, the length of which being entirely up to you how long and drawn-out it becomes. If the man entered the relationship with an ear for your concerns and an understanding of what it is you need, but YOUR underlying/unresolved issues bring him to the point where he no longer wants to hear, then it is entirely up to you to deal with those issues. Whether or not the man chooses to accompany you through it is his choice. An example:

    Christmas time, two weeks before The Day. Girlfriend says she & her daughter are going to her sisters house to be with her family for a little bit. I say my daughter & I will go visit with friends for a little bit. My manz-way-of-thinking ASSUMES that means we will meet up later on, after we’ve paid our obligations & respects. One week before Christmas, she’s berating me about NOT inviting her to accompany me. Okay, I admitted out of principle, I should’ve invited her; but WHAT WOULD’VE BEEN THE POINT, after she told me what her plans were??? That was her issue to deal with. And that behavior was typical, so needless to say, we didn’t survive.

    You used the terms “Knowing your opponent” and “Knowing the terms of the battle” and then you said, “Relationships should never be about winning a battle . . .” That’s some serious cognitive flip-floppin’ you have going there, but I understand your point. Now, this is a website for women, and I know it’s all about y’all. Remember: I love ALL y’all!!! One of the readers posted that she had to look within herself to find out what was making her nag. She was successful in resolving her underlying/unresolved issues and improving herself in the relationship. You know, that whole thing about being the right person rather than finding the right person . . .

    I know we (collectively) do shyt that drives y’all crazy; but, sometimes, it is about you.