Beyoncé Knowles (of the “Bust-it Creole” Knowleses) found herself immersed in some accidental controversy this week when word leaked that the R&B diva may (or may not, I wasn’t there) have lip synced her performance.

While I am not a “stan,” I looked forward to her rendition of the National Anthem because I knew, if nothing else, she would “bring it.” She is a perfectionist to an almost stultifying degree and is dedicated to her craft whether you find that craft to have “a good beat and you can dance to it” or not. But who knew things would go from “historically relevant and moving” to a real-life version of the YouTube lip-dubbed show “Got 2 B Real?”

From The UK Guardian:

Franklin told ABC News she still thinks Beyoncé “did a beautiful job” at Monday’s event but added: “When I heard the news this evening that she was pre-recorded I really laughed. I thought it was funny because the weather down there was about 46 or 44 degrees and for most singers that is just not good singing weather.” In fact, temperatures were as low as 40 degrees.

“When I heard that I just really cracked up,” Franklin added. “I thought it was really funny, but she did a beautiful job with the pre-record … next time I’ll probably do the same.”

The soul legend said that she had sung live for her inauguration performance in 2009, because “I wanted to give people the real thing” and that “pre-recording never crossed my mind.”

Oh, “Hate-retha.” So much shaaaaaaade.

But seriously.

Once that representative from the U.S. Marines Band admitted that they were a bunch of mimes for President Obama’s inaugural it’s been a non-stop, wall-to-wall, stop the presses, non-story that MUST BE DISCUSSED.

If you’re like me (and again, maybe you’re not like me, I don’t know your life) … you were like “So?” It was a beautiful rendition. Everyone knows Beyoncé can actually sing and sings her own songs and no matter what she was singing to a recording of her own voice. So she was still singing, just not live. I don’t get mad when I open up my laptop after playing “Single Ladies” and find there is no tiny Beyoncé dancing in a onesie on my computer processor. I mean, do these people also know that’s probably not her hair? Someone call FOX News! I got a Beyoncé scoop and it involves 10 lbs of blonde Indian Remy.

But I digress. A lot of people did care and in the spirit of journalism and general nosiness I thought, “Hell, let’s figure out why someone gives a rip?”

So here is my quiz for what caring about Beyoncé possibly lip syncing the National Anthem says about you.

First question: Do you care if Beyoncé lip synced or not?

  1. If no, you don’t care, this isn’t about you. Why are you still reading? Skip ahead to the end or something or go watch more episodes of Got 2 B Real.
  2. If yes, please proceed to let me give you what you need …

SO YOU CARE? Well, let’s narrow down what you care oh-so-much about, arbiter of Beyoncé authenticity. Which one of these statements sound like you?

DID YOU THINK: This is a historic day! And President Obama will never be inaugurated again! Even he had to look back and soak all that in. She couldn’t even be bothered to sing live! Like, it’s not about you, Fakeyoncè.

YOU ARE: A Traditionalist. You get upset when people don’t keep it real all the time. You also might be at that point where Obama lovers and Beyoncé haters meet and finally agree on something.

DO YOU THINK: This was so unprofessional. No one has ever done this before, lip syncing at such a historic and important event, and of course Beyoncé did that because that’s so typical of these new artists today. All ego. No discipline. Hell, she even did a song called “Ego.” It’s like it’s all about themselves and booty shaking and pop-pop-pop-pop-that-coochie and singing about being single when yo’ ass is married. What’s that about?

YOU ARE: A Purest. You’re also probably a stan for people who don’t sell very many records. NOT-THAT-THERE’S-ANYTHING-WRONG-WITH-THAT! I thought Ciara’s last album was pretty not horrible and greatly prefer hipster British R&B artists that you’ve never heard of because I liked them before they were cool. Just sayin’.

DO YOU THINK: So what if your voice cracks because it’s cold outside, Betrayoncè! Kelly Clarkson sang live and killed “The Battle Hymn of the Republic,” so it couldn’t have been that damn cold.

YOU ARE: A Kelly Clarkson fan.

DO YOU THINK: This is so typical of how the Obama Administration conducts themselves. We have a fake, Kenyan Socialist Nazi Muslim Black Nationalist Liberation Theology Gay President and he invited some “black hussy” (who is married to a DRUG DEALER, by-the-way!) to over-sing the National Anthem like THEY ALL over-sing everything in that disgusting, cheap, ghetto way. I really think the Speaker of the House John Boenher needs to investigate Bey-whatever-her-name-is (I can’t be bothered to spell something so “urban”) because, I mean, we’re getting all these different stories. First it was that she sang it. Then she didn’t sing it. Now, they can’t say if she did or didn’t. I mean, if they’ll lie about Benghazi, they’ll lie about anything!

YOU ARE: A FOX News commentator. Everything within two feet of President Barack Obama is a conspiracy. Was “4” a flop or is that what Obama and his other pretend wife FLOTUS-yoncè WANTS you to think so you’ll be impressed when their next hot track “Déjà vu, Obama Pt. 2” drops? Think about it.

DO YOU THINK: You know, they say Beyoncé “Hexagon Dynasty Devil Sign” Knowles recorded that track because she didn’t have time to practice since she was too busy drinking the blood of the unborn in one of her and Jay-Z’s Illuminati devil worshipping ceremonies. What? You really think she and Gaga sold that many copies of “Video Phone?” I mean, seriously. The single was so bad the only way it could have sold if Beelzebub was involved. OMG. Beyezlebub! WHY DID I NEVER SEE THIS BEFORE? OPEN YOUR EYES, SHEEPLE!

YOU ARE: Scaring me.

DO YOU THINK: You know, Aretha Franklin sang it live in 2009 even though the cold (obviously) wrecked her voice because, you know? It’s about the president, not Sasha Fakest.

YOU ARE: Aretha Franklin.

DO YOU THINK: You tell people you “care” but you’re really just in this thing for the hits/views/pageviews/clicks/Ad revenue/Nielsen ratings because you know if it’s Beyonce SOMEONE CARES. Rating’s gold!

YOU ARE: *Looks in mirror* *Twirls hair* BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

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