I was pretty flabbergasted when the “Intimacy Intervention” story appeared in my Facebook news feed from Essence.com. When I clicked the link, I found a letter detailing an interracial relationship wherein a black American woman’s “white old money” husband called her interracial slurs during sex: “n*gger b*tch,” “negro bush” and the like. My initial reaction was disbelief. How can a man think those terms are okay to use during intimacy? And what kind of woman would put up with that (or need advice on how to address the situation)?

But the reality is there are a lot of shocking phrases used during sex that you’d have to experience to believe. Here are a few that I simply can’t stand for:

1. Racial Slurs

It’s bad enough that we live in a culture where racial slurs are used regrettably in everyday life and in music and entertainment. The last place I want to hear one of these heinous terms is in the bedroom.

2. Someone Else’s Name

This crime of the tongue is pretty standard but I’ll be damned if I’m confused with your ex or dream lover in the middle of coitus. They came up with endearing names like “baby” for a reason.

3. Below-The-Belt Insults

Sex is also not the time to participate in a little verbal sadism by insulting me while we’re in the throes of pleasure. Think Lil Kim and Biggie’s interlude when she calls him a “Oreo cookie eating, pickle juice eating, chicken brisket eating…black greasy motherf*cker” Yeah, none of that.

4. Baby Terms

Nothing’s more creepy than resorting to coo-ing and using phrases like “widdle” when two adults are doing very grown-up things. It’s an instant mood-kill.

5. Gendered Obscenities

Just like I don’t want my race insulted during sex, I could go without hearing the word “b*tch” or “whore” or any degrading epithet one might use to degrade women. You don’t get to insult my gender while enjoying my body.

What other terms are off-limit during sex, Clutchettes?

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  • Really?

    “I really wish black women would own up to that.”

    LOL. I don’t have to own up to anything. I am a black woman. I have experiences just like you. I haven’t seen it, and I don’t have to own up to something because of some video of a guy picking up black women in Miami, or because you’ve seen it happen, or because of what Halle Berry said. Sorry.

    And it’s really funny how men like to come up with all these sick twisted reasons why BW/WM relationships last longer. So the majority of these relationships work because of some low self-esteem master/slave power dynamic? Again, do you have any proof that this is the case? If BM/WW relationships were lasting longer, I highly doubt you would say some stupid crap about black men putting up with more crap from WW. You’d say it’s because they are “better,” and that BW ruin relationships. Most of the bragging I’ve seen BW doing about their interracial relationships lasting longer is because men like you like to say angry, cold black women are the reasons that black relationships don’t work, so women counter and say well why are these BW/WM relationships working? And do you honestly expect us to believe that black women don’t stay in relationships with black men who are abusive? This idea that black women don’t have a spine when it comes to white men but they give nothing but sass to good black men is ridiculous. So black women take mess from white men, but they break up with black men who do the same thing? That’s pretty hilarious. I can’t even believe you really believe that.

    There will always be women with low self-esteem that try to fill that void with a man and allow them to do disrespectful things. But I’m supposed to believe that the majority of black women in IR relationships are this way. It’s ridiculous. And all you’ve done is throw out some personal experiences that I’ve never had. So who’s right? You or me? Is this widespread like you say? Or is it not as common like I say?

    “I have seen white boys disrespect and clown the hell out of black women to their faces on the slick tip and black women will still smile and giggle just because a white man is paying them some attention”

    Honestly? Are you telling me you’ve never seen a black man clown the hell out of a black woman and the woman smile and giggle. Isn’t this the same thing going on as women dancing to be called b***s and h**s. Isn’t this the same thing with black women allowing men to call them every name under the sun.

    And black men are checked with the quickness?!!!! LOL I really did have to laugh out loud at that.

    You clearly don’t like black women. And that’s why I don’t really listen to claims by you all of all this white man thirst. Does it happen? Sure, but I have not seen with mine own two eyes this yearning for white men. Most of this interracial stuff is blown out of proportion by people like you on the web. In real life, most black women are going to black clubs and bars to hang around black men. What is that because the white men we supposedly want so much won’t let us into their clubs and bars?

    Don’t try to throw something some low self-esteem women did on all black women and tell us to claim it. That low self-esteem woman with a white man would be a low self-esteem woman with a black man. Does this white man pass happen. Probably. Is it widespread. I don’t think so, and your personal experiences don’t really prove anything. I could talk about my personal experiences and say because of that it never happens, but that would be a lie. And the complete opposite what you’re saying is a lie too.

    • Really?

      @Red Pill – “This is a new breed of black man you are dealing with. We’re not idiots. We are not ruled by our emotions. We use logic and reason to navigate reality and shaming tactics do not work.”

      Really dude? They were your personal experiences, an opinion about a reality TV show, and some rambling all over the place about Tiger Woods. So much for you being one of these new breed men. Getting pissed off by my comment also shows that you are getting emotional.

      You took one sentence where I said you dislike black women, and that’s what you chose to respond to and pitch a hissy fit. And if you’re not included in the set of black men that I was referring to, why did you respond?

      I accused you of disliking black women because I have seen your comments on this site. I have run into this new breed of black men around the web who go around condescendingly trying to educate us feeble-minded women. Many of you most definitely dislike black women. And you’re definitely emotional. Am I saying that no one can criticize black women? No. I am saying that criticism that is not based in fact and made up to try to make black women look desperate for white men is not something that I’m just going to “own up to” no matter how much it pisses you off lol.

      The whole point in my “Nuh uh, I don’t believe you.” response is that THERE IS NO EVIDENCE! What evidence is smacking me in the face? You and your buddies’ personal experiences. A letter? Those interracial blogs on the internet? Lol.

      And what irrefutable points? About baby mamas and Tiger Woods? They don’t have a darn thing to do with the topic AT ALL! Lol. Just a bunch of rambling. But let me own up to something before you pop a blood vessel. Yes. There are lots of rich black men paying child support to black women. Yes. This is more common than Tiger Woods’s situation.

      Do you make YouTube videos? You sound similar to one of those guys who makes hundreds of videos about how bad black women are.

      I hope you find a non-black woman so you can move on since black women piss you off so much lol.

  • stop!

    You’re wasting your time. There is absolutely nothing that will stop some black women from chasing after white men. NOTHING. If 300 years of rape, sodomy and sexual terrorism can’t do it do you really believe your words will?

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  • Really?

    You don’t HAVE any points. That’s the issue. You say that women say that white women go after black men because of money. This is your PERSONAL experience. I don’t sit around talking about Tiger Woods, and I’m sure there are lots of black women that don’t. Also, I’m sure many people black, white, male, and female know that many of these women go after rich men because of their money no matter the race. But I did agree with you in my other comment that Tiger Woods situation is not as common, so what is your point? That black women’s claims are fallacious and false because there are more black men paying child support to black women? All that shows is that black women go after these men for money too. It doesn’t make the statements false.

    And the biggest thing about your whole stupid comment about Tiger Woods in case your logical mind can’t understand this is that it has nothing to do with a black woman having racial slurs thrown at her by her husband. You went all off on that tangent just to give your silly little speech. It was indeed rambling. You should read your original comment and see how you barely connected the two things with a weak piece of thread.

    “We’re done. I see no reason to address you. You will not listen anyway, and you refuse to cooperate to develop viable solutions to the problems we face.”

    Really, there are lots of people at Clutch that discuss these problems and possible solutions. There are many commenters that agree with you about black neighborhoods being in bad shape and the problems associated with the majority of black kids being illegitimate or the poor education of kids and black boys turning to crime or black folks not having knowledge in finance, but your comments on this article offer no solutions. They are a bunch of personal experiences and rambling meant to make black women look desperate for white men.

    Indeed. This conversation is over. I mean for all of your logic and reason, you are the one getting angry because someone is disagreeing with you. You don’t want to have conversations. You think what you’re saying is gospel, and that women should just listen and accept it and follow along.