A good pair of Spanx can nip, tuck, cinch, and smooth you so well it brings all the boys to the yard, but when it comes to men actually getting to the bush per se, well you might as well consider this underwear staple a chastity belt in the form of shapewear. Spanx may not totally ruin your sex life but let’s just say having it on will, at the very least, make your intimate encounter just a tad – awkward.
No, I’m not talking about false advertising. Sure, a good pair of Spanx may knock an inch or two off of your thighs or tummy but that’s not the same thing as say wearing a push up bra or butt pads. No man cares about an extra two inches of skin when it’s time to get it on in the dark. What he will wonder is what is this wall of china-like contraption of spandex preventing him from getting to the Promised Land. See, the thing about shapewear is that if you have a good one on, chances are you broke a sweat getting into it, and that means you’re going to bust an equally tiring sweat trying to get out of it—with or without your man’s help. Men love to slide down a pair of panties—quickly, and well this strip situation is going to be more like fold here, tuck there, pull here, ahhh freedom.
I’d forgotten these stipulations recently getting a little close with someone new. In the past, the Spanx either went bye bye before a guy even came over, or I knew to make that quick bathroom run and slip them off pre-kissing, foreplay, anything. (Shout out to the creators of oversized clutches that allow women to tuck away their Spanx unnoticeably.) But this time, I’d tricked myself with that “nothing’s going to happen” lie and when he went to feel the flesh of my stomach after pulling up my shirt, he was met with a pair of high-waisted underwear stretching from mid-thigh all the way up under my bra that made him ask, “um, what is this?” Awkward…
Luckily, that encounter turned into an unprompted discussion of why are you wearing that, you don’t need it, which earned him Brownie points for days. And after a few laughs I chalked the experience up as one of those embarrassing situations that at least gives you a good story to tell down the line. But in my head I was still thinking, curse you Sara Blakely for making slimwear so effective I can’t leave home without it. Next time I’ll just remember not to get in the bed with it.