Panties My panties are staying on if …

So, next week will mark my two-year anniversary of being single and boyfriend-free. Initially I was thrilled to not be attached at the hip to my insecure and possessive lush of an ex-boyfriend. Oh what a joy it was — being free again and able to do what I wanted without having to “check in” or coordinate around my boo thangs schedule. But lately, I’ve been feeling that relationship itch and have decided to dip my toe back in the dating world once more.

The problem is my results have been less than stellar thus far. It seems that the men who approach me find someway to eliminate themselves from the running before we even start. Take one fellow that hit me up on an online dating site recently. At first, his approach was respectable, funny, and intriguing. But a few message exchanges in, he began to insult my tattoos and their placements. After I went ghost, he apologized, but the damage was done. Any initial interest was thrown out the window, and while I did humor him with a few more messages, my panties were definitely staying on.

This is not a rare occurrence, as I’ve had plenty of girl talk sessions where friends have shared instances of men practically talking themselves out of any possibility of the poon-poon. This got me to thinking about all of the instances where men who once had a shot, were suddenly sent packing. Here is a short list of some of the possible reasons why my panties might be staying on. If you don’t want to be sent home with a case of the blue balls, take note fellas.

You are a grown man who still answer to childhood nicknames.
Guys, if you are of age and still go by Jr-DON’T. I simply can’t take a man seriously who calls himself anything other than his god given name on the regular. If you tell me your name is J-Moneyee, Pookie, Scooter, or Shadow, my panties are staying on. Wanna be taken seriously? Hit me with your government name.

You live at home with your mom-or worse, your ex girlfriend
Unless you are taking care of a sick relative or have a darn good excuse for not being on your own, don’t step to me if you don’t have keys to your own place.Look, we’re not in college anymore and I don’t want to have to duck and dodge questions from your meddling mom. Nor am I interested in wondering if you and your baby mama are still getting it in when I’m not around.

Ebonics is your first, second, and only language
“Ay, shawty, wuz gud wit chu?” Facepalm. As women, we fall for you with our ears. There is nothing less appealing than a man who can’t string together a complete sentence. Knowledge is power. Get yourself some.

You insult my body
A friend once told me a story about getting intimate with a man-friend. She decided to go to the restroom to do…whatever it is she may have needed to do in private. Old boy thought it would be in his best interest to say, “ Yeah, you gon go clean it out for me huh?” Too bad for him that he had to leave after that. Fellas, I must ask, where they do that at? A vajayjay is not a garbage disposal that needs cleaning out, so don’t refer to it as such. Also, since we are on the subject, don’t nitpick at my body parts. No one cares that you prefer smaller tatas. If the grass is so much greener, don’t let the door hit you…

You are too pushy and don’t respect boundaries
My body, my rules.Period.

You act too eager for the goodies
If I mention to a guy that I am a writer and he doesn’t ask me any follow-up questions pertaining to my art, the panties are staying on. This isn’t Craigslist casual encounters buddy! At least pretend to give a damn, before you attempt to get the booty.

You refer to women as females or bitches
I don’t know why this chafes me, oh wait, maybe because I’m a woman, not a dog? Leave the derogatory name calling for the locker room. If you don’t have the good sense to not call me out of my name in front of me, in what other ways will you disrespect me?

You are unemployed
Why are you trying to date if your pockets are light? Don’t you know how expensive we are? I kid, I kid … kind of. Expecting a man who is interested in me to have some financial muscle isn’t about being a gold digger. It’s about being a smart human being. I have my own, so why shouldn’t all potential suitors be in equally good standing? Perhaps instead of trying to get with me, you should worry about getting your grown man on? My daddy didn’t raise no fool. You have to have a j-o-b (and preferably a B.A. degree) to ride this ride.

Ladies, what are some other reasons the panties might be staying on?

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  • I wonder if men today know how lucky they are.. in many ways. There is more opportunity today than when I was younger. I am a child of the 60’s. I grew up outside of South Philadelphia where people moved to those suburbs to get away from the rif raf to only learn that they were the rif raf… WE were never supposed to go to college. We were expected to go into the military, Work at the ship yard, work at an Oil Refinery or at that time work at Scott Paper factory. The only way I received an education was because of an industrial accident that caused me significant physical disability to be able to get some money and go to college.. and when I did I was 10 years late but ready!! I ended up going to all Ivy League schools which was unheard of where I grew up. Yale, Penn, The Wharton School of Finance (through PhD studies). I found that experience to be so rewarding but in another way more so.. I found acceptance in the type of women I wanted to be around. International Indian, Asian, Latina and Black. NONE of these kinds of women were from where I grew up .. we were ALL white.

    For nearly 40 years I have been attracted to, dated and married non-Caucasian women. and I paid a high price for it when I was younger. I had 5 daughters ~ ALL mixed. yet they will be the first to tell you it was never “IF you go to college….” it was “WHEN you go to college….” I never dumbed down my language to them. In fact often I would use words they did not know to challenge them to learn more… and while they hated me for it and my over explanations about subjects and topics and even explaining a calculus problem by starting with addition and subtraction they all learned.. and now for better or for worse… they have HIGH standards for the perspective mates in their life. I do not care what their sexuality is. I do not care what political party (although I beg them NOT to be a Republican like me as my party truly has become the party of stupid) . I traveled to 72 countries (some with my daughters) and shared the experiences I had abroad with them. I shared with them that the most beautiful woman I ever met in this world was from Botswana and was the complexion of glistening coal and stood 6’2” in bare feet. I speak a few words in 9 languages and they UNDERSTAND at least those words and more …. including my last one (22 yrs old) who is autistic…. and have 2 daughters that have become fluent in at least one additional language. I am proud of my children. AND I have been a single dad for 10 years now.

    The point of all that above was that I have tried my utmost to teach by example and to encourage my daughters to aspire to more than what is easily available. To concentrate on their education and careers and to socialize regularly so they can see they available choices. If that means a healthy sex life, it is their choice, not mine. But they need to know that whatever choices they make in everything they do have consequences (both good and bad) there are opportunity costs, and there is being inflexible to the point that they will never find anyone to share their lives with. They will make mistakes.. and THAT is life …. but they can also learn from those mistakes.

    I let them know that my life has not been perfect either. That I was unable to find my preference for the kind of women I was attracted to UNTIL I went and obtained the education I did. people back than were very divided and the more they lacked education the worse the biases and prejudices were. It was through those institutions of higher education that I came to appreciate women for more than their looks but also for their brains and personalities. And I have tried to instill those same qualities in my children as well.

    With education it no longer became an issue of insecurities and emotional arguments… it became a shared experience with more mutual understanding of one another and a mutual appreciation for the intelligence and reasoning of each other.

    There are men who have not had the education who meet these qualities I want my daughters to find in a mate.. but they are not abundant in society today, and while I encourage my daughters to chose from the best and the brightest I also have told them that it is not a requirement .. HOWEVER, I do have one unbreakable requirement: they cannot bring a male into my house unless he has a handkerchief in his pocket… I told my daughters there is 2 reasons for this. FIRST and foremost as my father taught me a handkerchief is a calling card of a gentleman. But second and equally important for my daughters is that boys always make girls cry, be it from happiness or sadness he will be a reason to cry and if he respects my daughters he will have that handkerchief in his pocket for her tears and to help blot them away. (yes I said blot as I presume they will be wearing makeup and will blot rather than wipe) (I am very well house broken ladies… LOL…) Yes the “boys” show up and wave the handkerchief like a movie ticket.. but only those that are real in their qualities will carry that handkerchief even when not coming to my home.. and as such most just fall by the wayside or my daughters just decide that they are too phony to be in the running anymore.

    I do not date anymore as I live in an area that is not so accepting of white men and black women…..and I do miss the passion and intensity of a black woman in my life. I often refer to the W.E.B Du Bois Poem “The Damnation of Women” to prove my point that Black women have a formidable indomitable spirit that most other women just do not have. AS a result I have chosen to be a daddy, as that calling takes priority in my life for now.

    I recently began to receive a medicaid paid worker to help a few hours a day with my autistic daughter as I am now very tired and not having any help in the process. She laughs at me.. even today Juneteenth She did not know what it was (yes I do) .. and I explained it to her.. and she has told me again today, as she has many times in the past, that I am not white.. that I have to be mixed or black…. but I am not like any white man she has ever met… truth is I am flattered… but than again I was given an extraordinarily opportunity in being well educated late in life and learned to appreciate all women from all countries and ethnic, cultural religious and racial backgrounds and find that stereotypes do not fit when I interact in various socioeconomic groups and communities…

    I was blessed, and extremely fortunate.. and today in most metropolitan areas there is a greater ease in crossing boundaries of all kinds.. but I just cannot understand why so many men today CHOSE to be ignorant. Not as much refusing an education (but yes that as well) but chose to be less overall and then thinking that they should attract those of you ladies who are educated and intelligent and no longer settle for less than you deserve.

    The women who are the most desirable are those that demand that a man seduces her mind before trying to explore the rest of the body. Your body~YOUR RULES. Set your bar high and you will find someone who at least approaches your ideal …. and in reality no one will ever be 100%.. but you can come close in choosing the ones that works your mind and body.

    I must end by apologizing as I seem to always write more than I should but I hope it was worth reading.. I wish each and every one of you a happy life and a healthy happy and fulfilling sex life with the man you chose when you chose him.

    Mr. Craig

  • Niesha, you can try checking whether the fellow is willing and capable of loving you. Let me explain.

    The most common source of problems in relationships is that the couple misinterpreted their mutual feelings of attraction as love. This normally results in the couple trying to keep up appearances after the attraction fades, and wondering where the love went.

    It is important to know that attraction is an emotional feeling that fades over time, while love is a promise that has nothing to do with attraction. Love is a promise to do 4 things. For the man:

    1. To accept everything that he knows and does not know about you before you are married.
    2. To accept you regardless of what happens in the unknown future as you both age – for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness or health for as long as you both shall live. Even if you are disfigured by an accident or crippled by illness, he promises to accept you.
    3. To forgive you later. Since neither of you is perfect, you both depend on each others’ forgiveness.
    4. To encourage you to improve. This 4th one gives purpose to your relationship – otherwise it will get boring.

    If you are both ready to make and keep these promises to each-other, then you are ready to love. When you keep them, you demonstrate your love for each-other. After you formally make your promises at your wedding, you complete or consummate these promises with sexual intercourse. Every time that you subsequently have sexual intercourse, you reinforce your promises – it is truly a wonderful and mutually satisfying physical, mental and emotional experience.

    If you have sexual intercourse before making your promises, he shows you that he is capable of justifying forsaking you for a younger, shapelier rival when you get older. If he is able to restrain himself when his attraction for you is at its highest, then he shows you that he is capable of resisting the rival that will inevitably come.

    Niesha, let him prove to you and himself that he is both willing and capable of keeping his promises to you.

    Best regards.

  • Stanley

    Can’t get enough of this.

  • imadime

    yuck. ironic that someone with no time for a man who doesn’t use his “government name” refers to her own body parts with terms like vajayjay and tatas.
    just, yuck.