Ah, college. I remember the first day like it happened yesterday. The smell of new paint covering beer-stained dorm room walls. The RAs’ stale greetings in matching neon shirts and Sharpie’d name tags. Awkward, passing smiles from strange hallmates trailed by nervous parents. Hellish name games and forced social bonding. Little did I know that I was about to embark on four of the best and life-changing years of my life … none of which would prepare me for the real world. Like, at all. Don’t get me wrong, I got an amazing education and grew as a human and all that shit, but being in college is like being ensconced under some cushioned, wonderland bubble, where nothing you do affects the real world (except maybe flunking out) and your real goal is just … to be. Here are some of the good (and bad) things that only happen in those four freak years:
1. Fake IDs work.
2. You see everyone you’ve ever hooked up with in a one-hour timespan.
3. Your friends live three doors down.
4. You never have to wake up before 10 a.m.
5. Because you choose your schedule.
6. Deadlines are adjustable.
7. You can always, somehow, get free food.
8. You don’t feel guilty taking advantage of free Wifi.
9. You have about 63 mutual friends on Facebook with every guy you hook up with.
10. Hangovers are somehow tolerable.
11. You feel fine lounging around all day on Saturdays and Sundays.
12. Taking shots is a normal occurrence.
13. You don’t have to plan anything ahead of time.
14. The older man you’re crushing on has a PhD.
15. You drink on Tuesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays.
16. You have seasonal breaks.
17. Getting ready to go out isn’t a chore.
18. You’re not embarrassed wearing a tiny dress and high heels going out to a crappy dive bar.
19. You drink flavored vodka.
20. Finding an outlet is a life or death situation.
21. You make best friends at night, then avoid eye contact with them the next day.
22. You have to tolerate 20 other people’s bathroom habits.
23. You can’t hail a taxi for walks of shame.
24. You see your ex-boyfriend every day for four years.
25. You feel no shame walking around in sweats.