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NewCelebRelationshipExperts

When I tried to start the mock advice column, “Dear Mikey,” it came from a sincere place. That place was, “What in the hell is wrong with people and why do they think Steve Harvey and Tyrese can fix it?” Not to say anecdotal evidence doesn’t have its merits, but how does having a TV show or a platinum album make you qualified to solve people’s problems? Or in Tyrese’s case, why do you think God made you an oracle based on some misspelled tweets and sexist attitudes?

No one ever answered the question, so I thought at the very least, I could make fun of it. That didn’t go over so well with some readers, but since the trend isn’t dying, I still have questions.

Jackie Christie has a book out called Sexual Relations: A His and Hers Guide to Greater Intimacy. According to the press release, the book will offer advice on gaining better intimacy and communication in your relationship. You see, Jackie Christie is going to tell you how to date and perform fellatio. Jackie Christie makes for a great TV villain, but wants to hear her talk about any of this? How did this happen? Based on her reality show antics, I wouldn’t allow Jackie Christie to give me direction on how to cross the street.

Up next is Tamar Braxton, who will be releasing a relationship book called Love & War. Set for release on November 29, Tamar says of her literary debut, “It’s called Love & War because we’re going through a lot in our relationship.” Okay, but y’all have been married all of three minutes, and most of those moments consisted of y’all biting each other’s heads off for our amusement and/or bewilderment on WeTV. I’ve noticed a softer side of the couple on the sophomore season of Tamar and Vince – and bravo for that – but uh, is the war even over yet?

Then there’s LaLa Anthony’s forthcoming relationship book, The Love Playbook: Rules for Love, Sex, and Happiness, which will chronicle “Anthony’s search for romance and offers hard-won advice about how to have a healthy relationship.” I guess after the separation rumors have died down and beyond the awkwardness shown on her reality show.

Don’t be surprised if The Real Housewives of Atlanta star Porsha Stewart ends up with a relationship book. After all, she’s already being asked to give people relationship advice and touch on why some marriages fail. I mean, Cynthia Bailey has a relationship book and Phaedra Parks, aka Donkey Booty, Esq., just put out an etiquette book.

Forgive me if I sound like my heart has been overly seasoned with Tony Chachere’s, but this trend is the herpes bump on the lips of good sense.

That’s not to say a celebrity can’t offer solid advice because they’re a celebrity or because of their past. I don’t particularly get how Terrence J. has turned into Tony Robbins, but his advice by way of his mama is reasonable. Still, this just reads as another sign of celebrity culture’s death grip on everything.

What next? Chris Brown penning a book on anger management? Azealia Banks telling you how to maintain the perfect attitude for success? Is Miley Cyrus going to be offered a twerk-themed fitness DVD in 20 years when people finally stop giving a damn? Or better yet, will Jada Pinkett Smith or her son Jaden be offered a chance to present their random, often nonsensical online musings in book form?

Or hell, one of those sexist, Twitter prophets will be given the green light to take their stupid show on the road.

Will this trend ever die? If not, can you please throw a book at my head…or maybe all of theirs?

Michael Arceneaux is from the land of Beyoncé, but now lives in the city of Master Splinters. Follow him at @youngsinick.

 

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  • Marisa

    My thing is if your life is a trainwreck you need not be writing advice books unless of course the advice is, you see my screw ups do the opposite.