So let’s just say you’re one of 22 people (I got that number from a friend on Twitter, there is truly no research around it) in the U.S that isn’t all gung-ho about Scandal’s season premiere tonight. You’re not a gladiator. You will never be a gladiator, and you could give two craps about what Olivia Pope is wearing on tonight’s episode.  There’s no doubt in my mind that people such as myself exist.

Yes, I’m one of 22. I am not a gladiator. There I said it.

I’ve already warned a family member on Facebook that I’m blocking her if she even thinks about hashtagging her status updates with nonsense like #Scandal #I’mAGladiator #OlivePopeIsTheShit. Seriously, I will. If only for one night. I’ve already prepared my plan of action just so I’m not bombarded with Scandal, Scandal everywhere.  Actually, I have a plan of action set up for Friday too, because we all know, it’ll still be talked about a day later.

So what are the alternatives for non-gladiators?  I’m glad that you’ve asked.

Here’s my list of  things you can do if you’re not a gladiator:

  • Shop– I’m not one to say I’ve never seen a Kerry Washington fashion spread. How can you miss one? Sure her character Olivia Pope is a fierce dresser (how in the hell does she keep her white coat so white?), but how many people can actually afford her wardrobe? I can definitely afford Macy’s, Asos, Off Saks, DSW and plenty other places. Fall is on the horizon here on the east coast (even though it’s 80+ degrees today), so I plan on doing some shopping and some browsing. Probably more browsing than anything.
  • Clean out your closet– This goes hand in hand with the seasons changing (sort of). There couldn’t be any better time than tonight, to get rid of those summer clothes if you’re heading into cooler weather.  For those lucky bastards with warm weather all year…well stop bragging about it for once. You can steal tidy up things a bit. No one cares about your 80 degrees in December weather. Yes, I’m hating.
  • Find a date– Not every man is like my buddy, Jozen Cummings, who’s actually looking forward to tonight’s episode.  Flip through that contact list and find a dinner or movie date tonight. That way you won’t be distracted every time you log on to  one of your social accounts and notice the Scandal updates.
  • Find an alternative to watch – I’m sure you’ve noticed the ad for The Originals on the homepage. It has sexy vampire men. What more can you ask for? Even though it airs an hour before Scandal, watch it, then go to sleep and have sexy vampire dreams.
  • Disconnect and read a book or e-book– I know, do people actually have paperback books any more? If you’re a book reader might I suggest anything by Junot Diaz, Kiese Laymon, or M.K Asante. Also, Scribd has now become the Netflix of the e-book world. You can now read all the books you want for $8.99 a month.

So there you have it. That’s just a couple of things to do if you’re not a tuning into the season premiere of Scandal.  Who knows, maybe by chance you’ll flip through your channels around 10pm, and stop for a second, then get sucked in like the rest of the world watching. Then there will only be 21 of us.


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