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When it comes to relationships between children and parents, often times people want to put focus on the positive or negative aspects between a father and daughter. Some say that if they father and daughter have a horrible relationship, that will reflect on her relationships with other men. To the contrary, if the relationship between a father and daughter is positive, then she’ll learn how to have healthy relationships with men.

But what about the relationship between a mother and daughter?Mother's Day and Loss: How to Be Supportive

When I hear my girlfriends talk about their amazing relationships with their mothers, I can’t help but feel a pang of jealousy.  I listen to how some of them talk about their relationships with pride and how their mother is their “rock”.

Unfortunately, those are things I’m not familiar with.

Although I can’t say we have a bad relationship, we just don’t seem to have a good one. And never have. There has always seem to be an emotional disconnect between the two of us. Growing up there weren’t hugs, words of encouragement, or the typical mother/daughter talks.  Into my teen years, I learned about my period from health class.  I was never talked to about dating, I was just told “not to bring any babies around this house”.

During my college years, I was pretty  much sent off to fend for myself. No support, no nothing.  In my adult years, it seems as though we only talk when necessary. She’s only happy when I buy her a gift (which isn’t often), or give her something.

I joke with my friends and refer to her as “Mommy Dearest”. Sure, she wasn’t that brutal as Joan Crawford, but sometimes I felt that nothing was never good enough. And there definitely weren’t enough hugs.

 

Clutchettes, how’s your relationship with your mother? 

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  • I’m another who does not have a relationship with her mother. I think it’s everyone’s right to define boundaries in their lives; boundaries that keep out toxic people who offer nothing of value to your life. When someone has more than mistreated you repeatedly, who can blame you. My mother is and has always been unhappy with her life and we (my sisters and I) have been told by her that she wishes that she would’ve aborted us (one separate occasions). As children, we were constantly reminded that we drained her mentally and financially and used as pawns against my father. It was mommy dearest’s way or no way; in fact, she ended up kicking us all out, father included. Just a perpetually unhappy person; now my sisters and I are left to create loving spaces in our lives, where we had little to no example.
    One thing I wanted to share was, I came to the realization that although I didn’t have a relationship with my birth mother, I noticed that other women in my life embraced me and loved me. This made me appreciate them more and showed me that it’s not just family that will show you love; sometimes water is thicker than blood.

  • A

    I have a similar relationship with my mom like the author, except I am a college student still stuck in her home until I can get it together lol. It seems like our roles reverse often, and there is no emotional connection. It just sucks because she is really my only parent (my dad is alive, but he chooses not to communicate with me often). I feel like often I have to buy my mom’s affection or kiss her butt to get her to notice me, so I feel what the author is feeling.

  • Jenny

    Reading all of this is truly disheartening. I had close friends who had mothers that would make me cringe. I LOVE MY MOM! I am my mother’s only child and she made sure she gave me all of my needs and the majority of my wants (more like spoiled rotten). She even welcomed in most of my friends and took them in as her own children. My father was like a infrequent wind passing through my life. She was never the type to hold me against him or even treat him negatively because of his lack of parenting. I guess due to his absence she made sure she made everything great for me.

    I definitely was not an easy child to handle. Honestly I was a terror, but since I was an infant she was always loving and encouraging. We still share I love yous everyday. I think this stems from my mom coming from an amazingly loving family.

    However now that I am an adult, my mother is not as much of the amazing savior as she was when I was a child. We argue over petty things and our difference in views, her closed minded/old school Caribbean ideal vs my new age liberal ideal, is a set up for clashes. I love her dearly but I have learned to live my life to not make the same life, love and financial mistakes she has made.

  • jazz

    I am in the same boat. I used to envy those women. At times I’d watch mothers and daughters having lunch and sharing laughter then I’d sit in my car and cry. One day it clicked that I will never have that kind of relationship with my mother. Like you she only calls when its beneficial to her. Now I’m strong because I realized I have learned to love myself more.

  • DownSouth Transplant

    I am my mothers child, she is my harshest critic and yet my greatest defender, love my mother to bits and pieces, I put her through one too many trials each day growing up, I was a contrary child by nature, she has loved me through all my dissappointments to her, Let me go call her again and remind her incase she forgot from yesterday that I love her!!