An abortion is not an easy decision to cope with. Every woman who has ever terminated a pregnancy struggles with guilt and depression. A very close friend of mine recently underwent this procedure. Below is a recount of her experience and how she continues to heal. Her name will not be disclosed.
“I’m hurting. I can barely see past my tears. A decision I made has been tormenting me. I’ve tried, to my best ability, to keep it hidden. But each time some reminder pops up. I break down in tears from even a faint memory,” she said. “I recently watched ‘Life is but a Dream’ the documentary starring Beyoncé, an artist I admire the most. Beyoncé spoke of losing a child from a miscarriage. The singer spoke of the value of life and how it should be respected. That it shouldn’t be messed with. That it’s a miracle God allows us to participate in. It reminded me of how shitty I was.”
Two weeks ago she had an abortion. The guy, who she was currently dating, wanted my girlfriend to birth his child. Nonetheless, the 24-year-old had a million reasons why it wasn’t the right time. Instantly she knew having a baby at this very moment would impede her from accomplishing her goals. “Deep down, I knew [aborting it] was wrong. I couldn’t think of one reason why it would be right. But I had my own list of priorities and wants that I wouldn’t even consider budging to leave room for a baby,” the law school candidate admitted.
Growing up, the tri-state native never placed importance on having a baby. If it happened, it would be somewhere in the distant future. After she’s made headway in her career. Yet, when this unfolded all of that became a blur. “The idea of a baby growing inside of me suddenly became so precious and sacred. I felt curious about it, maybe even connected to it. I wondered is it a boy or a girl? Will it look like him or me? What will its personality be like?” she confessed.
The changes occurring in her body were both a beautiful and painful reminder that a life was growing inside her and she would not allow it a fair chance. The abortion and the moments leading up to it were described as “the part of my memory I tried to push to the side, a place I am terrified to revisit.” Yet, she could not help but to revisit that forbidden place. Never fully revisiting the experience, but bringing back the feelings and thoughts associated with it.
Putting aside her career aspirations, a baby was something that she would plan for with a husband, a stable career and finances intact. The way she had always envisioned it. No one in her immediate family has done it “the right” way. My girlfriend derives from a family line of children born to young mothers out of wedlock. She aspired to have a different legacy. “Each year after 20 without a baby was somewhat of a milestone for me proving that I beat the statistics of my family’s
history. Having a baby now didn’t fall into that plan,” she said.
The days leading up to the abortion were emotionally taxing. He, who will not be identified, was not there to support her. He didn’t want to be. Before the procedure, he uttered hateful things to her. He focused on guilt tripping her as a way to convince her to change her mind. Afterwards, he went from being sad and expressing how much he wanted them to be a family to returning to the hateful things he said before revealing his resentment towards her decision.
Though the idea of this guy, who she was romantically involved with, wanting a baby made her feel desired and valued, she realized he was a walking contradiction. “Why would the guy who barely took me on proper dates and acted downright lazy suddenly become a great father and husband, much less boyfriend?” she questioned.
Humans are creatures of habit. More than likely, she would eventually become a single parent or co-parent with a man whom she would grow to resent. Like countless men around the world, once you stripped away the beautiful words it was obvious the 27-year-old had managed to mind-f**k her into believing he was a great guy without putting in sufficient effort.
His actions helped her find solace in her choice. The more he revealed how selfish he was, the more thankful she was to have dodged what could have been a lifelong bullet—having a child with someone she would likely grow to hate. “We simply aren’t compatible. He wants the woman who will pick up and abandon her life for him and become Susie Homemaker—the good wife and mother. That is not me. I don’t see that ever being me actually. He will find that girl one day. I want the man who will support my dreams of attending a top law school with location being the most irrelevant factor. The man who won’t make my dreams second rate to him or his desire for a family.”
She wanted me to tell this story as a way to help ease her guilt, but also help another woman make the best decision for her life. Moral of the story: do not allow any individual to deter you from accomplishing your lifelong goals. If any woman should decide to go full term, make certain it is your decision and no one else’s.