Screen Shot 2014-10-22 at 12.08.47 PMAbout a month ago, I was on the tele with a male acquaintance. We were having a lighthearted discussion about dating, joking back and forth about why each other’s gender was to blame for all love woes. Then, he paused to make a serious point mid-conversation: “In my experiences, Latina women are really loyal though. Like, really loyal.” Hmmm, I thought to myself. Interesting. A few seconds later he made the infamous “And Black women be havin’ them attitudes” argument. I wasn’t offended in the slightest, but just fascinated at his and other (but not all) Black men’s logic supporting their appreciation for non-Black women.

I’m not one of those who get all bothered and tight when I see one of ours with not one of us. But I do find it a little odd and at times humorous when the reasons are “Black women nag too much,” “Y’all quick to run when things get bad,” etc. Every black woman has heard and can recite the 101 Reasons Why Black Women Aren’t Datable list. It always makes me chuckle a bit because every time I hear one of the justifications as to why my gorgeous range of vanilla to ebony-black sisters and I don’t meet some lost soul’s dating criteria, it’s complete and utter bull with no substantial backing. I have not the time, or the permission from Clutch due to the excessive word count it would take, to rebuttal each and every reason, but I do want to address our “attitude” and “disloyalty.”

What trips me about the words “nagging” and “attitude” is they’re usually said when we call you out for your questionable behavior: not coming home last night, frequent conversations on the statement from an unfamiliar number, slacking around the house. If I lose my cool after you accidentally pocket dial me while having a more than friendly conversation with another woman, that’s not nagging; that’s holding you accountable. Black women birth Black men, we raise Black men, we grow up with and befriend Black men. We KNOW Black men! We can note the smallest nuances in your body language and voice and know when you’re telling the truth and when you’re B.S-ing. A woman of another makeup may believe that your phone died, you got drunk, and you passed out at Terrance’s house until 6 a.m. and not give you any flack for it, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s not a nagger. It’s more than likely a matter of she doesn’t know you and your slick game the way your own does, so therefore she doesn’t know there’s cause for nagging—a.k.a hounding you until you provide an explanation that actually makes sense. Additionally, Black women are very expressive and are conditioned early on to be vocal and intolerant of disrespect. In a study by the Washington Post, Black women ranked higher than white women, Black men and white men when asked how much they valued being respected by others. We also outnumbered white women when asked if we strongly agree with the statement, “I see myself as someone who has high self-esteem.” In instances where non-Black women may let your slipups slide, our confidence and demand to be respected just won’t allow us to do the same.

As far as disloyalty is concerned, it always boggles my mind when you can even fix your lips to say such a thing. We’ve all personally known a significant number of black women who’ve supported and stood by their men through money lows, infidelity, and every other trial and tribulation imaginable. Even when we fly off at the mouth about how you hurt us once again, we stick around when “loyal” others would have long ago left the scene. We’re the same women who will single-handedly raise your estimated 5 million fatherless kids, and then encourage them to forgive you and cultivate a relationship when you decide to show up 20 years later. When a deranged neighborhood watchman or racist Ferguson police officer decides to murder you with no just cause, we’re the majority standing with you and rallying in the streets. Not the faces of your “loyal” Kardashian-esque gems, whose privilege, by the way, has them so out of touch that they genuinely see no harm in fiddling with their phones while the world aims to bring awareness to your injustice. Meanwhile, the only support you showed for mercilessly murdered Black women and Aiyana Jones was watching “Crooked Smile.” But we don’t trip about that though, because we, in all of our disloyalty, see the bigger picture and understand that in many social contexts, society has already served your plate a surplus of struggle.

I say all that to say, if you have a thing for non-Black women, cool. But don’t justify why by downplaying us. Just admit that your unaddressed issues of self-hate made you more inclined to value disproportionate beauty standards, or that you like being able to “do you” without someone constantly checking you, or whatever the reason may be. Yes, we have our issues, as do all women, as do you, as do all people. But the ones you so often speak of aren’t reflective of our shortcomings. Instead, they suggest that your vision has fell victim to society’s false depictions of our beauty and character attributes, which, ironically, you helped to birth and shape.

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  • Anonymous

    As a black woman, I can honestly say that seeing black men in interracial relationships–even ones where it’s obvious the woman is seen as more of a trophy than an individual human being–doesn’t bother. But here’s the kicker: I don’t care because I am genuinely not interested in black men. It doesn’t bother me these men simply aren’t on my radar. I don’t want them. At all. And because of this, I really couldn’t care less about their romantic lives.

    • joe

      I’m curious. When you say you are not interested in black men, are you referring to African-American men specifically or all men of African descent regardless of geographical location and culture?

      Do you take into consideration individual traits like trustworthiness, honesty and intelligence or is their simply being black enough to disqualify them?

  • christina

    Lord…..what is WRONG with black women?….After all the c-rap music, youtube cockroaches, everyday life with the black male….you all are still agonizing about the black male “our men”….and how THEY feel about black women? Something is seriously wrong/off/downright sick crazy and pathetic with too many black women…how many more ways can black males show and tell you all how they feel about black women…and as Mary said above what is the big goddamn deal about black males? What is so special about the black male?….so my conclusion is the problem is black women!…why can’t you all dismiss them as you would other useless people….something is wrong with BLACK women and your thought processes and actions..you all don’t have to be “loyal”, March and put yourselves in danger for these fools…you all CHOOSE to and then cry when they don’t do the same….so something is wrong with YOU YES YOU black women.

    • joe

      “how many more ways can black males show and tell you all how they feel about black women”

      “why can’t you all dimiss them as you would other useless people”


  • Levelhed

    Ok Tony, what percentage 50% 60%!My god you just did the same thing your asking that black women should not do generalize!lol But a man stating some stereotypical bull like that is just soooo played out. Just be happy and date white women. Don’t come in here and play victim either! Because like you said we should not generalize men or women in here!

  • Levelhed

    @Reply I couldn’t have said it better myself! That is the way I have felt for years and you put it into words. Because there is so much denial, irresponsibility, games and male softness in our community, lack of leaders, laziness, lack of education, aren’t heads of households. I guess somebody would freaking get angry sometime!

  • js27195

    I would say the entitled and “run when the going gets tough attitude” is an attitude by American women, not just black ones. Because so many Hispanic women grew up outside the American culture, many of them have the “life long marriage at all cost and dedication with no cheating ever” attitude that devout Catholics outside the US have. All men (Red, Yellow, Black or White) love that quality in a woman, even if they aren’t loyal themselves….