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16. What do you think about *insert hot topic race issue*?

Have you ever seen me hold a press conference? No. I am not an ambassador for my race, and definitely do not want to discuss an emotionally charged topic with a stranger in the afternoon. That’s like asking someone Jewish, “So… the Holocaust, huh?”

17. Kendrick Lamar is a genius.

He’s just a not-terrible rapper within a genre of even better rappers. Watch Desus and Mero slaughter Kendrick’s “i” video at the 15:30 mark to become enlightened.

18. What are collard greens?

The lettuce of my forefathers.

19. My hair is so nappy.

*Takes a deep breath*

20. Can you come to school with an afro?

One, I relax my hair. Two, if someone does not already wear a natural hairstyle, do not turn the act into a dare or spectacle. Do we have to go over the zoo animal thing again?

21. Yeah, I voted for Obama.

That’s great. My dad voted for Bill Clinton.

22. Your neighborhood is scary…

This has been said to me countless times by friends visiting my apartment, which is located in a historically black neighborhood. No, the area is not scary. You just aren’t used to seeing that many black people together on one block.

23. So where in Africa is your family from?

PLEASE WITH THIS. WE’RE FROM NEW JERSEY.

24. I bet you love Empire.

Yeah, I do. It’s a really great show.

25. Are you Kwanzaan?

Kwanzaa is not a religious holiday.

26. 12 Years a Slave made me cry.

Years ago my dad and I were the only black people in a movie theatre audience while the trailer for Django Unchained played. A few people craned their necks to look over at us, and my dad was like, “Awkwaarrdd!” ¯_(ツ)_/¯

27. I’m so tan I’m basically black.

It would take a little bit more than that. However it’s hard to ignore that people love big lips, tan skin, and jiggly butts while still sustaining a deeply rooted disdain for the people that naturally possess them…

28. Do you play basketball?

No, I’m terrible at all sports. Why do you ask?

29. I don’t want to sound racist but…

*Usually followed by something super racist*

30. You’re like my whitest black friend.

Okay, bye.

If any of the above phrases have left your lips, consider this an opportunity to be cleansed of your sins and start anew.

Commenters, did I miss anything? Has anyone asked to touch your hair today?

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