Donald Trump was elected president last week, so that means racist White America (which believes it should rid the nation of every minority demographic, including black people) also won. As Americans, Black people should respect that defeat. Perhaps it’s time to return to Africa. The show is over.
However, we may have arrived to this country as enslaved, empty-handed people, but we sure won’t be leaving that way. Black people labored for hundreds of years to build this nation and also came with our rich African heritage, which is the foundation for much of American culture. So it is only right that we take everything that belongs to us with us. Pack it all up on a ship Black folks: It’s time to haul ass.
Here is a list of 30 Things Black People Will Take With Us If We Leave America.
1. Seasoned food. Becky damn well knows all her chicken and potlucks will be bland as hell without the helping hands and influence of Black folk. Struggle on with struggle food in our absence.
2. Jesus. The son of God had brown skin, curly hair and was likely from the Middle East – North Africa. Damn well know he didn’t have no blue eyes and blond hair. NOPE.
3. Twerking. Sorry Miley, better start line dancing. Wait that’s ours too. She can square dance. That’s cool. White folk can keep that.
4. Slang and Hashtags. No more ‘#squadgoals’, ‘fleek,’ ‘bae,’ ‘wassup,’ ‘chillin’, ‘Bye Felicia,’ basic’ and White folk sure as hell ain’t getting ‘turnt up’ anymore.
5. Serena and Venus Williams. White America never deserved or respected them, so we are proud to take them back.
6. All of the gold medals won by Black American Olympians EVER. Ryan Lochte is a better representation of America, anyhow: lying, cheating, stealing and scapegoating people of color while simultaneously painting oneself as the victim.
7. Maya Angelou.
8. Bob Marley and reggae.
9. We takin’ Michael Jackson and don’t say nothing about it! He might have resembled a white woman towards the end of his life, but he was undoubtedly a Black man. To be fair, there will be shared custody of Blanket and the other two kids.
12. ALL AMERICAN MUSIC GENRES. Sorry to break the news, but black people are responsible for the creation of rock music, jazz, R&B, pop, hip-hop– well, just about every American genre. Though we know we had a major hand in creating country, that’s fine, white folk can keep that as a parting gift. We will also be collecting all of our musical instruments including guitars, pianos, drums, all the damn woodwind instruments and harps that all originate from Africa.
13. White appropriators. Though it is undecided what will be done with them, Black people are laying claim to all the White people who appropriated Black culture for profit or gain. Elvis Presley, Justin Timberlake, Rachel Dolezal — y’all all coming too, but be ready to cling to the side of the ship as it sails like y’all cling to our culture and the profits you get from poorly imitating it.
14. Kim Kardashian and the whole Kardashian Klan: KEEP THEM. However, we are taking their butts and lips. Matter of fact, pass the collection plate around white women. Time to give back the facial features you all attempted to steal with surgeries and injections.
15. No more peanut butter jelly time– just jelly for white folk. Peanut butter was invented by a Black man, George Washington Carver. Matter of fact, give us back the damn jelly too: We will drop that off in the Middle East on our way.
16. Black America taking all our damn traffic lights. Sorry, a Black man, Garrett Morgan, invented those. Need a recommendation for how to organize American streets? Try some roundabouts. Afterall, y’all sure know how to give black people the round about when we ask for equality or our damn reparations.
17. All human DNA. Yup. The first human was found in Africa, concluding the longstanding debate of human genetic origin. We taking human DNA with us.
18. Comedians. Kevin Hart, Eddie Murphy, Steve Harvey Note: Steve Harvey will be returned to do pageants– we know he is contracted so that’s only fair. Not to mention, he did such a great job last time!
19. Samuel Jackson. Find your token Black guy for movies elsewhere. We do know how much you all love Black face. Feel free to do that in White movies again, since there won’t be any Black people to offend.
20. The voice of God. We taking Morgan Freeman and James Earl Jones.
21. We also have some suggested trades. We are going to take Robert Deniro, and y’all can keep Lil Wayne, Raven-Symoné, Stacey Dash and Ben Carson. Cool?
22. The Matrix. The movie was originally written by a black woman, Sophia Stewart, but don’t worry, White people can keep the second and third sequels. Those sucked anyways.
23. Cotton. Black people picked most of it.
24. Shonda Rhimes.
25. Locs and cornrows.
26. Tiger Woods. At least half of him.
27. 80% of NFL and NBA players. The football and basketball seasons are going to be cut real short without Black athletes, considering they comprise the majority of players. Leave White America to compete against itself. Likely, they will only have enough players for two teams: team Republican (with a KKK leader as the mascot) and team Democrat represented by white tears.
28. Exotic animals. Open up your zoo cages and give us back all the African animals including Harambe’s body.
29. Diamonds and gold. No reason to go to Jared’s this year White folk: Black people will be taking back all our diamonds and gold.
LAST BUT NOT LEAST…
30. The White House. White folk, y’all damn well know the White House was built, brick by brick, by Black folk. If ya didn’t know, now ya know. So we don’t know where Trump is going to sleep after we leave and take our house, and all of its helpers, with us.